Come as You Are

Come as You Are. Emily Nagoski. 2015. Simon & Schuster. 416 pages. [Source: Personal copy.]

Pardon me while I pick up a few extra copies of this for my exes and one for my next.

All jokes aside, Come as You Are is a thought-provoking, reflection-inducing read that’s just as eye-opening as it is affirming. It starts by acknowledging the shame that many women may carry due to their perceptions of their body, sexuality, and relationships, most of which are byproducts of a society that does not and has never prioritized womens’ sexual autonomy. The result is a text that always centers womens’ health and wellness and seeks to normalize differences among them. Topics range from the biological similarities of male and female reproductive organs, the importance of context’s impact on sex, the wide range of sexual responses, and how women can use an individualized approach to move toward a sexual life that is healthy and gratifying.

One of the most important points of this book is reiterated frequently – women are different. Their bodies and different — and normal. How they view sex is different — and normal. Their sexuality is different — and normal. By starting with baseline, the rest of the book then serves to deliver a biological, psychological, and social examination of women’s sexual wellbeing.

I appreciated how many of the points throughout the book are illustrated through vignettes featuring four women. Although Nagoski notes early on that these are composites of numerous women, it helps to give context to each story. The result is that one can extrapolate their own similarities from the different examples and apply the lessons as appropriate.

Nagoski uses copious metaphors to illustrate her points. While this makes them more digestible, it was also a bit tiring to remember which metaphors related to which points she was reiterating. Nonetheless, they were illustrative and made the sometimes scientic content more palatable. I also found the various worksheets and interactive exercises helpful to put each chapters’ lessons into practice. To that end, it’s likely more helpful to have this book in print than to have the ebook.

Without question, Come as You Are is what I now consider important reading for anyone who loves (and makes love with) women. I would go a step further and recommend it to younger women before the damage of socialization, relationships, and sexual experiences have settled in and taken their toll.